To live without hope is to risk suffocating on hopelessness and despair, risk being crushed by the belief that there is no way out of what is holding us back, no way to get what we desperately need.
Hope is a function of struggle — we develop hope not during the easy or comfortable times but through adversity and discomfort.
— Brene brown
I couldn’t agree more with what’s written above. Brene Brown has been my spirit animal in my life journey on how to understand emotions and cultivate meaningful connections with others.
I’m not particularly eager to talk about my family because it is all in the past, and I don’t want to keep dragging it to my present. It’s too bitter; flashing back to it triggers a heavy emotion. The emotions are always mixed, and it always ends up in a depressive feeling. But this time, I guess I don’t mind since it’s relevant.
Family is something they love and cherish for most people, including children and teenagers. But some people had a not-so-great childhood or even bad parents. They left that all behind when they grew older and moved on with their lives. For me, it’s not that easy. I still need to figure out how to deal with my childhood as an adult because it has affected my present life in a way that I’m still questioning myself; I have so many why(s).
One of the why(s) that appeared to the surface lately is my longing to be part of something. I didn’t realize that it had something to do with my childhood life. I have so much love to give, share, and cherish. I have been living alone for quite a while; I know that my root needs come from within; it’s the secure feeling I have longed for all my life.
I was so into the idea that I hated my family because of their toxic behavior and how they destroyed me as a person. With all the violence and cruel things they did to me, I always told myself that I didn’t need a family and that I was better off without them.
You know what the problem with this point of thinking is? I thought that being alone was way safer and happy. I generalized how important family is because of my unpleasant experience.
I recall that I have read something about children and parents:
“ Children most often learn the habit of hope from their parents. To learn hopefulness, children need relationships that are characterized by boundaries, consistency, and support. Children with high levels of hopefulness have experienced adversity. They have been given the opportunity to struggle, and in doing that they learn how to believe in themselves and their abilities”
So you can imagine how empty my parents left me; I had never been taught to believe in my abilities, and I didn’t even know if I could do anything.
I like to read about whatever is related to self-development because I know I need it, and I have always felt that I need to improve. So I have been feeding myself with all self-help, self-development, and theory personality my whole life.
The more I learned and grew up, the more I realized that I needed a family, and it is one of the big holes I have in my life that has become the root of my unfulfilled basic needs. I want to build a new one, but it turns out that building a family isn’t as easy as it sounds.
I have already accepted that; unfortunately, I don’t get to feel “Parents or Family Love” from them like anybody else. I don’t mean to compare to anyone; I know everyone is fighting a hard battle, but what I’m trying to say is that I feel so much pain knowing I don’t get to have the basic needs as a human being.
Up until recently, I have been experiencing Hopelessness and Despair. I am so hopeless that I will not be able to build what I want to call “Family.” My definition of family is “A place where I can share my love, and sharing my happy and sad moments without afraid of being judged. Family is my safe haven, and most importantly — who is always there for me, waiting for me at home.”
There are many combinations of adverse life events and negative thought patterns, particularly self-blame and the perceived inability to change my circumstances. As I said, I have always known what I want, and I can identify the realistic goal — to have a family. But I can’t seem to figure out how to achieve them. If I attempt to achieve the goals, I give up when I fail, can’t tolerate disappointment, and can’t reset. I have the belief that Tomorrow will be just like today.
When I struggle and or experience pain, despair — that belief that there is no end to what I am experiencing — is a desperate and claustrophobic feeling. I can't figure a way out of or through the struggle and the suffering. At this point, I was terrified that I might be losing hope.
Due to the hopelessness and despair feelings that I have, somehow, I betrayed myself. I have been holding back some things, staying quiet to keep the peace — that somehow manifesting me into anger, resentment, and burnout. I even thought that maybe this path I must take to get what I want. I’m telling you, It doesn’t.
I let myself be treated the way I didn’t deserve to be treated, and with all the mistreatment that I got, instead of respecting myself to walk out, I consciously accepted that and believed I deserved it.
I also realized, over all of those things that I don’t have control of, the childhood, people who mistreated me, any other possible outsider causes, the thing that I wasn’t realize is because I don’t believe in myself. I don’t value myself, and I don’t respect myself.
Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.
Give yourself enough respect to walking away from someone who doesn’t see your worth.
Because you deserve to be happy, check your price tag if you aren’t being treated with love and respect. Maybe you’ve marked yourself down. It’s you who tells people what your worth is. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep the valuables.
I have learned the hard way to learn to love yourself enough so that when someone enters the life that treats you negatively, you can stand up for yourself and have the strength to let them go. You can learn that it is okay to say no to anyone who is not willing to treat you with love and respect you not only want but also deserve. Have the courage to walk away from anything that doesn’t serve you well. Search for your highest good.
After the series of journeys (I still am on the journey), I have got some epiphanies I want to share:
- When we put ourselves in the arena to achieve what we want, what we need, and what we are longing to have, we will always get kicked, bullied, mocked, and judged by others. We will experience inadequate treatments from time to time.
- There must be some bizarre things that were somehow so overwhelming for us to witness or feel. When we believe in ourselves, know our self-worth, and have the self-awareness to be attentive enough to our needs, we will still feel down, sad, hopeless, or maybe even despair. This is inevitable.
- But this "Self-Believe" that I'm talking about is like a fuel that will help you to get up when someone kicks you down, will help you to keep going to your end goals, and will elevate you to adjust, learn and unlearn, every single thing in life that you might experience and strive for excellence. When you believe in yourself, everything is possible. Because when you believe in yourself, by default, you have hope.
When you opt yourself out of something no longer serves you, you can find another new environment that aligns with your values without the unnecessary stress and negative patterns in your head, and that you will be putting yourself out there to keep exploring, to have the journey on your own, finding what you are longing.
When you put yourself out there, something unexpected will present itself and slowly change your mind, feeding your hopes that you can have what you need. You can get what you want; you deserve to have everything you need, want, and long too.
It is always YOU on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Don't let ourselves lose hope, and you are worth it :)
Take care until then,