About me…

For a week or so, I feel so depressed. I thought I knew the cause, but… not really until I realized these things…

I am a work in progress, but sometimes I forget that about myself, and I’m hard on myself.

I don’t know how often I still have this bad habit of telling myself, “I should have done this, I should have done that,” without giving myself a break to feel the emotions. To cry if I wanted to, to scream, to be upset and mad.

I still unconsciously make this habit where I don’t allow myself to express emotions and instead analyze whether I should or not be feeling like what I’m currently feeling—complicated, yucks.

I still unconsciously force myself to keep up the routine until I got so stressed and pressured when I have no energy to do anything, I just simply can’t, and I blame myself for that.

I still unconsciously blame myself for getting trapped in my head when I’m depressed and unable to have my rational mind.

I still unconsciously let myself down by comparing my feelings to what “society” tells us.

I have been feeling so disconnected from my body. I am so busy in my head wandering around, stressing myself out, and being guilty about doing so.

It is not the problem that caused me that; it is me. Myself. The problem will always arise whenever, without us expecting it. But damn, myself!

I guess this is another lesson I learned about myself. I still have these tendencies, and I need to be more compassionate and let myself feel whatever she wants, give myself the time and space.

Dear Me,

I’m sorry for being so harsh on you.
I’m sorry for always wanting you to be perfect.
I’m sorry to pressure you when I am supposed to support and hug you.
I’m sorry to blame you all the time you feel something I think you shouldn’t feel.
I’m sorry for not letting you cry
I’m sorry for not letting you vent
I’m sorry for not letting you be mellow
I’m sorry for forcing you to do what is called “normal” and ignoring what you want.

I didn’t know that I’ve been doing this to myself; I thought I was always honest with myself, but not really. It turns out I suppress a lot of emotions I should have let myself feels.

I should have just let myself walk without thinking, “how long can I walk this time?” Or “I should at least walk this xx long.”

I should have just let myself listen to the same song as many times as I want to

I should have let myself be in the moment with the emotions that arise.

I should have just let myself cry when nostalgic about sad or happy moments.

I should have just sat in the park, not necessarily on the bench.

I should have just let myself take a walk with different pathways.

Self-acceptance is hard, huh?

Today I tried to listen to what I wanted without even thinking.

I feel better; I listened to a movie soundtrack that I found inspiring and heart-touching. — yeah, I like to replay all the songs and music that is in the movies I have watched to remember a scene of the movies or to remind me how inspiring the movie was, or just to feel like I am in the movie 😂

I listened to many new songs, and I liked them. I read the lyrics; they touched my heart. It’s incredible how music can make me get in touch with myself. Feel alive.

Thinking about finding something new, I can do to let myself experience more because I know that I like new experiences; this is one of the things that makes me feel alive. — thinking of starting painting, or maybe buying a drawing book and crayons so I can start drawing? That sounds like a good idea...

Re-read the old conversation, realizing that I was happy, I was sad, I was excited, I was upset, I was hurt, and I was me. Watching myself through an old text conversation — feels strange, but at the same time learning something new about myself. I flashed back to how I was feeling when sending those messages. It was fun :)

Realizing that I am me, as a human being, I have so many qualities I tend to forget about.

And I let myself write this without thinking of a proper storytelling technique. I let myself be imperfect and feel much better and less pressured.

I write mostly for myself, sharing some of them with you.

:) Take care.